When Your Heart Stops Beating

[reposted from an email originally dated 1/7/10]

Hey, friends;

The title of this email comes from a song by (+44), a little-known (I guess?) band, better known as a side project started by two of Blink-182's members while the latter was on hiatus.

Now, I haven't actually listened to this song in a while; but as I reflected on what God's been working on in my life over last couple of days, (+44)'s lyrics just leapt up from my subconscious:

I'll be there when your heart stops beating
I'll be there when your last breath's taken away
In the dark when there's no one listening...

Take a look at what that chorus is saying - and then take a look at these verses:

"Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. Then, whether I come and see you or only hear about you in my absence, I will know that you stand firm in one spirit, contending as one man for the faith of the gospel
"without being frightened in any way by those who oppose you. This is a sign to them that they will be destroyed, but that you will be saved—and that by God." (Phil 1:27-28)

This isn't really a secret: in high school, I was a pretty emo kid. There may even be (there are) a few composition books back at my parents' house filled with scribbled, angsty poems and lyrics. OK, actually I was a super emo kid - pretty out of control. To the point where my emotional baggage actually got me rejected from MIT (ask if you want to hear the story some time).

Thankfully, God has since changed me radically, into a very different person - in my attitude, hopes, dreams, and thoughts. But, when it all comes down to it, I still find the same desires that fueled my pubescent angst comprising a large part of my motivations.

What are those desires? Pretty simple, really: I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be a failure. I want my life to have meaning, shape, direction.

I thought, when I began seeking God at the end of high school, that I'd put all that in the past: I truly listened to the Gospel for the first time, accepted Jesus as the Creator, Sustainer, and Savior of my life, and found Him to be The Answer:
Lonely? "I will never leave you, nor forsake you."
A failure? "By grace you have been saved, through faith; not coming from your own works, so you cannot boast about it."
Directionless? "I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life."

So, Jesus is The Answer - right?

...

For the past few days, I have found myself repeatedly agonizing over some things that have been laying heavy on my mind. Last night, chatting with Steve Yu '07 for commiseration and advice, he encouraged me to place myself again in front of God, in His hands. OK, I thought to myself - haven't I been doing that? And still, the worrying, the anxiety, the background angst, continue.

Still, knowing that it was the right thing to do - and having thought it over til my brain whirled - I laid down, prayed, and picked up a daily devotional by Charles Spurgeon, which referenced Philippians 1. And so I read the verses above:

"Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ.
Whatever happens?

"This is a sign ... that you will be saved—and that by God."
Hmm... I will be saved... by God.

And I had a moment of clarity. In which I realized:

God is my life.

Joy and hope in my life don't come from my job; my girlfriend; my health, finances, or any other measure of success.

Over the past few days, I had been inadvertently narrowing down my focus, closing my eyes against everything else except a few, specific, areas of my life.

But, last night, God forced my eyes open again, and reminded me where my future is actually centered. He is the one who redeems my life; He is, as I've heard - and even said - so many times, the Creator and Sustainer of my soul. So, whatever may happen - personally or professionally; physically, emotionally, or spiritually - it is to God that I will look for salvation.

It's funny: for the past few days, as I felt myself wrestled down by worry and anxiety, I tried everything (well, not everything) to comfort myself. And most of that just came down to me thinking around in repetitive circles, listening to my own internal counsel repeat endlessly. And not a single bit of that brought me any relief.

But as soon as God reminded me that my life is not, ultimately, about my self but rather about Him, all the anxiety, the concern, the worry came crashing down. And I could even laugh, knowing that, in the end, all of these concerns are truly miniscule compared to the very good, very beautiful, utterly satisfying and hope-fulfilling end of a life lived in the presence and glory of God.

I'm sad and glad, friends.
Sad that I have so easily let my vision narrow down into a tiny sliver of what vistas it could be perceiving.
Glad that I remembered the one thing of value that I have: the God who is always there.

I'll be there when your heart stops beating
I'll be there when your last breath's taken away
In the dark when there's no one listening...

Thank God.

YUAG/G-Fid's 21

Join me, if you would, in the contemplation of a thoroughly busying and yet entirely refreshing week(end).

Wednesday11.11.2009


Ms. Lee Philosophises.

Saturday11.14.2009

My parents arrived in town at high noon; realizing that
they had never visited the Yale University Art Gallery,
I gave them a short tour while we waited for the homey
Capt. Joel Lee to arrive in from UMass.


小狗!


Wave 11; it's always amazing to me to see strength and motion
captured in a static medium. This piece embodies so much of what I
consider to be aesthetically pleasing.






三个小孩儿




Reminds me of an enemy from Chrono Trigger.

Sunday11.12.2009

After a sleepless night of sermon preparation and a long day of
fellowship at church, some of the UCW men and I went out to
celebrate Garrett's 21st by eating sushi until we couldn't talk.


Before starting to eat (you do not want to see after).


The ice cream goes down so smooth, it's not as though
it even occupies alimentary space.




In the words of the waitress, upon our fourth round of ice cream,
"So, basically... you want a whole bunch of ice cream."

Go to Sushi Palace on a Friday, Saturday, or Sunday; on these three
days, they have in-house green tea ice cream that is super fly.


Digging in.

these happy golden days

As I lazed about my Korean apartment, preparing for the final week of my summer employment, I realized, abruptly, that I yet have, stewing at the bottom of my to-do list, forgotten in the piles of half-written blog posts and abortively discursive discourse, the last few weeks' worth of pictures from the Spring semester.

Oops.

Tuesday05.19.2009

Wherein Emily Chen and I ramble around New Haven.





The sun glared down on us so reprovingly that neither
of us could muster the indecency to gaze back,
apparently.

Yale's famed Peabody Museum - home base and patron
institution of seminal paleontologist O.C. Marsh - is one
of the few major sights around New Haven to which I
had never previously addressed myself. Finding
ourselves nearby, Emily and I had a look in.












This one was for Ray.

Wednesday05.20.2009


SBTG Dunk SB Lows.

At lunch with a friend, he mentioned his work on
the Commencement Issue of the YDN; seeing that I
had effectively skipped half of my own
Commencement Week festivities, I never had the
chance to peruse the 2008 edition. The archives of
the YDN, however, are voluminous, and easily
called-upon when a YDN staffer is at hand.

Thanks D!


Congratulations Nancy (and Max)!

Thursday05.21.2009

K and Mo were hanging out, so, you know.


Like a kangaroo.


My Tiffany Dunk SB Lows matched K's... t-shirt
apron hybrid?


Forlorn, waiting for Ben, in a cape we scavenged.


The guys and gals (and me).


Ms. Bryan dropped by Esther's room for a minute.

Then we all played: tag and hide and go seek, on Old
Campus, in the dark, crashing into rows of neatly-
arranged chairs; ultimate frisbee on Cross Campus.

Friday05.22.2009

I was in Erin, Mieka, and Lillian's room
catching up with Erin and hanging out.

This insect was HUGE.


At the time, I described it as a dragon-moth,
or perhaps a raptor hybrid. I still stick to my
description.

Saturday05.23.2009

Steve was in town, and wanted to get a haircut; Ray and
I tagged along, and Ray followed suit.




Chinese barbers ftw.

Sunday05.24.2009

Dinner with a group of the charming men and women of
Living Water (and friend).


D.Tam looking fly






Ethiopian

Sunday05.25.2009

Graduation 2009!


As I waited for the ceremonies to start, I ran into not
one, but two of my former suitemates: Charlie and
Rhasaan had shown up to join the proceedings for the
day.


Sandi and I linked up for a large amount of the day's
proceedings.


EGO86 tag, Davenport courtyard, New Haven, CT.
I hadn't even remembered this was there...


Mr. Nicholas Pierson.


Mr. Wilbur Hu


Ms. Mieka Sanderson


Mr. Lucas Kwong.


Ms. Joshu I Sky


The family Sky.

For the past few years, after each of the individual
Residential College ceremonies wrap up, a group of
graduates, alumni, and friends gather together at the
Women's Table, on the Rose Walk, for a final send-off.


Ms. Anne Lucinda Lee.


Mr. Eric Klein and Mr. Kyle Gong.


Mr. Jaeyoung Yang and Mr. Joseph Oh.

Monday05.26.2009

The day after graduation, I headed into NYC to spend
the day variously catching up with friends, having my
Korean work visa interview, and so on.

A few of the guys from the Navigators ministry at
UMass-Amherst also needed to do a visa run for their
upcoming summer missions trip to the Philippines, so
they drove into town, parked at my apartment, and
we headed out in a large mass (transit).


Mr. Joel Lee.


The scene on the train.


Tags in Manhattan.

After a quick processing time through the Korean
consulate, Emily Chen - who was also in town,
awaiting her late afternoon flight out to the West
Coast - and I met up in midtown Manhattan.


Tom Sachs' Hello Kitty installation.


Proceeding to Grand Central, we met up with Lucas


Then headed over to Yup's place. man, Yup has some amazing
clothes, and one of the best wardrobe solutions I've ever seen: if you
lack closet space, just make your entire wall your closet.

I want his room some day.




Emily: "TELL ME EVERYTHING"
Lucas and me: "?"
Emily: "AGGGH"

The three of us then motivated our way back to Grand
Central, where Yup joined us to escort Emily onto the
airport shuttle bus.






Last time I'll be seeing this girl for a couple years.

After seeing Emily and Yup off to the airport, Luke and I found
ourselves in a not-uncommon state when we're together: hungry.

We called Steve up and found that he had just finished work; so, we
decided to all head over to Koreatown and grab a fresh Korean
meal, to celebrate my heading to Korea and eating plenty of Korean
food this summer.


My homeboys.


Bibimbap... yo they did it good there.

Best of all, Ms. Taryn Nakamura had just completed
the first day of her summer internship; calling her up,
we discovered that her job site (with the Asian-
American Writers' Workshop) was literally across the
street from the restaurant at which we were located.




Banchan, with the mad taste.


Afterward, pinkberry.


Lucas, despairing of ever having his name spelled correctly at a fast
food location.
(label reads: LUCS)

Parting ways, Lucas headed up to Columbia, Taryn to
her summer sublet, and Stephen and myself to his
place in the pj's.

After kicking it with Stephen for a while, I got a text
from the UMass boys that said they were with our
boy Landon (of the NYU navigators), and headed
uptown for the night. I made haste and hit the
subway system, meeting up with them on a shady
platform around midnight. By 12:30, we were safely
ensconced in Harlem House.




Look carefully.

Tuesday05.27.2009


I try.


Got the ill flavors (Soho, NYC)

Homeboy Dallas got me linked up via twitter with his girl sooey, a
fellow young, fly, trend-setting 2nd-Generation Asian-American
intellect. Knowing that we were both in the area, I hollered at
homegirl to connect, politic, ditto.


Note Sooey has the lime nail polish...


...matching her AM95 retro's in the OG colorway.

Sister got it made.